So I went hungry again today, I really should know better

I was in such a rush this morning and if I am honest I just didn't fancy the pasta I had prepared yesterday for my lunch so I decided to take my chances with the canteen. The food is rotten but they usually have paninis or toasties I can eat and I figured that would do.

Unfortunately we were so busy on the ward that by the time I had gotten to go for my break all the decent ones were gone. I was stuck with the actual canteen food. The only think on the menu I can stand was roast beef. Problem is I don't actually like roast beef, its always fatty but it was the only thing without loads of veg through it so I tried it.

The beef was so fatty I didn't even have more than one bite and the potatoes were rock solid so I had nothing to eat at all for my whole twelve hour shift. I wonder why I have a headache now?

I actually meant to check my blood sugar when I got home but I forgot all about it until after I had eaten and it would have been pointless then. I have mums old meter for just this type of occasion, I want to know what living like this is doing to my body. I want to know if I really am killing myself slowly and what, if anything I can do about it.

I have been trying really hard this year but I don't feel like I have accomplished anything other than adding a daily multivitamin to my morning routine. I don't feel any better and I have lost such a small amount of weight that I am honestly beginning to wonder if any of it is really worth it. I literally feel sick at the thought of changing my diet, but yet I want so badly to eat better.

You hear all these stories about people who start eating better and almost instantly they have all this energy, not me. I still feel tired all the time, still don't sleep anything close to enough and still work twelve hour shifts that might kill me if I don't do something about my lack of energy and sleep.

I have all but given up alcohol, not actually through choice but because I have a car now and I am always thinking that I might need to drive tomorrow and I wouldn't drive if I had been drinking the night before. I don't feel any better.

I take a multivitamin every day, I don't feel any better.

I eat more vegetables than I ever have in my life. I don't feel any better.

I am more active than I have ever been. I don't feel any better.

I have lost a little weight. I don't feel any better.

What exactly do I have to do to feel even just a little bit better?